


Growing Aches

by straytiny_n_ctzen



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Asphyxiation, Blood, Character Death, Flowers, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Graphic Description, Hanahaki AU, Hanahaki Disease, Heavy Angst, Hospitalization, Hospitals, I'm Sorry Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan-centric, M/M, Minor Character Death, Nurse Taeil - Freeform, One-Sided Attraction, Temporary Character Death, The Author Regrets Nothing, big brother Johnny, hyuck and johnny are brothers, suffocation, the tags make it seem heavy and it is but it has a happy ending so i hope you still read this, this is unbetaed and unedited we die like men, throwing up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-07 22:10:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20824619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/straytiny_n_ctzen/pseuds/straytiny_n_ctzen
Summary: Being in love was always painted as a beautiful thing by society.Donghyuck thought it was all bullshit. Being in love was longing and pain and a whole lot of breathing problems.





	Growing Aches

**Author's Note:**

> i'm back on the angst train! this is,,,, really angsty but! i managed to give it a happy ending <s>albeit unplanned</s>
> 
> this is unbeta'd and unedited i just wanted to get this out there before my personal deadline. but despite that i've been working on this for a while so i hope you all enjoy.
> 
> tw for blood, throwing up, hospitalisation, and graphic description of character death
> 
> pls tell me if i missed any tags!

Frantic feet and calm voices woke Donghyuck from his light sleep.

He could hear a continuous high tone, doctors and nurses talking in hushed jargon over it. Scribbles were set on paper, someone left the room.

Blinking himself awake, Donghyuck looked to the side, where his bedside neighbour was. He caught glimpses of his neighbour's face between the bustling bodies of the doctors and nurses, and the sight made something ugly swirl in his stomach.

His face was streaked with blood, it ran down his face from his mouth and nose, and soaked the once pristine pillow underneath him. He could see the hospital gown torn around the chest, as if he had been clawing at it - frankly, Donghyuck wouldn't be surprised if he had.

But most noticeable was the sheer amount of flowers and petals that surrounded the body, even now as one of the nurses had a plastic bag halfway filled with the flowery remnants. Different kinds of colourful flowers were a uniform red for the most part, both fully bloomed ones and unopened buds littered his hair and face.

Faintly, Donghyuck noticed the incessant beep disappearing.

A nurse cut off the biggest flowers yet so the patient could have his mouth closed. But Donghyuck knew that the stem was rooted in his lungs, and had clawed its way up, up, until his neighbour died from asphyxiation. It was a quick death - and probably the reason why Donghyuck hadn't woken up earlier - but the buildup to it was excruciatingly slow.

Donghyuck knew it too well. After all, the same fate was creeping up on him, one leaf at a time.

It was a sad sight. Flowers were beautiful things, yet they caused so much destruction. Donghyuck had hoped Yuta wouldn't go so soon; his neighbour had been great company when they both weren't struggling to breathe.

Well, Donghyuck mused, the good thing coming out of this was that Yuta wasn't suffering anymore.

A sheet was pulled over Yuta's body, and then he was wheeled out of the room. The only things left behind were the smells of blood and flowers, and Donghyuck's memories of his friend.

\---

The days went by much more slowly now that he didn't have someone around. The minutes seemed to taunt him as he counted down the moments he would get visitors, be it a nurse bringing his food or his family with a spare moment. Scrolling through social media only kept Donghyuck entertained for so long. 

A knock on the door had Donghyuck perking up with a bright smile. “Hyung!”

Johnny walked in and went in to hug his brother before taking place on one of the folding chairs. “Hey, kid. How are you doing?” He put some snacks on the table next to Donghyuck’s bed.

“Ugh, I’m so bored!” Donghyuck flapped his hands. “There is literally nothing fun to do here and Taeil hyung said it might take a while before I get a new roommate… He doesn’t visit me enough,” Donghyuck pouted.

“Hyuckie,” Johnny started between soft huffs of laughter, “you know that it’s his job, right? He’s not here to babysit you - he’s a nurse. Babysitting is my job. And now that you mention it, where _is_ Yuta?”

Donghyuck swatted at the finger coming at his cheek. “You’re not here often enough to call what you’re doing ‘babysitting’. And Yuta died two days ago.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. But I’m really trying my best to visit more often.”

“Thanks. And I know,” Donghyuck sighed. “I know you’re doing your best.” He patted the empty spot next to him. “Tell me about everyone? What am I missing out on?”

Johnny took place on the bed as Donghyuck scooted over and he started telling about his friends and schoolmates and colleagues and what they all had been up to lately. He talked about how their parents still weren’t home often, how Johnny had been saving up for his own place one day.

And Donghyuck… Donghyuck listened to every single word, every single lisp falling from his brother’s lips from where he lay curled up against him. He never used to be this subdued and still, but his natural need for affection paired with the fact that his body was slowly killing itself had him drinking in every little form of contact he could get his hands on, had him hanging onto it as if it was the very cure to his illness.

“Hey, Hyuckie?” Johnny stopped carding his fingers through Donghyuck’s hair until he got a response. “Your friends said they would like to come visit you soon.”

Donghyuck froze.

“Jaemin said they didn’t want to ask you directly since you said before you didn’t want them here, but they miss you. They know it’s hard for you, but it’s hard for them, too. Just… think about it, okay?”

All Donghyuck could do was nod slowly. He missed his friends just as much, if not more, but them visiting would mean that Mark would come along as well. And that was something for which he was not ready.

Since he had been admitted to the hospital a few months ago, Donghyuck had kept communicating with Mark on a minimum. It made breathing a little easier, he had found. Not because he hated him. It was quite the opposite: Mark was the reason for Donghyuck’s illness. The only way to contract hanahaki disease was to love someone who didn’t love you back.

Donghyuck loved him dearly, but the feeling was not mutual.

An itch started in his lungs and clawed its way up his windpipe. Bearable at first, but it got more painful with every passing second. Thorns scratched at the inside of his throat. Donghyuck heaved and gasped as blood splattered over his gown and Johnny’s shirt. He clutched at his brother as tears rolled down his face, and Johnny held him as he cried silently and rasped for air.

If a petal still rested, on Donghyuck’s tongue, Johnny didn’t need to know. And if all Donghyuck could think was how he did not want to die, well, he didn’t need to know that either.

\---

In the end, Donghyuck agreed to his friends' request, but only if Johnny would be there as well. As a safety net, he had explained over text. If things were to go south with his health Johnny knew at least somewhat what to do, whereas Donghyuck's friends would be clueless.

They set up a date and time, and until then, Donghyuck continuously shared his worries with Taeil.

The nurse had invited himself to the edge of Donghyuck's bed, making sure his patient ate and waiting to take him for a small walk before the afternoon visiting hours started.

"It's today," Donghyuck informed the nurse as he took a bite from his bland sandwich. He swallowed, "my friends visiting, I mean. You'll be on standby, right?" He lowered his sandwich back to the plate. "I want- I want you to be there if- when… if something happens."

Taeil reached over to put a comforting hand on Donghyuck's knee. "I'll see what I can do, but I'll try to be there. I want to say that you'll be fine, but… hanahaki's tricky. Especially when he's going to be here," he smiled a little crestfallen, but then wiped the sadness from his face. "But you'll see your friends again today. There's probably loads to catch up on, and your brother will be there, too. Try to focus on the good things, okay? Thinking up doom scenarios will only make you more apprehensive."

Donghyuck agreed with a deep sigh. "You're right. I'll try."

"And that is all I ask. Now, eat up. You don't want to be stuck in here the rest of the day, do you?" he grinned.

\---

"Hyuck!" A nagging voice echoed through the hallway. Several pairs of hurried footsteps functioned as background music.

Donghyuck locked his phone and put it away, mentally steeling himself for the whirlwinds that were his friends. And just in time, for Jaemin and Chenle barreled through the door not seconds later, closely followed by Jeno, Renjun and Jisung, with Johnny and Mark trailing after the group.

Before he could greet them all, Donghyuck found himself with two arms full, smothering him with their bodies.

"Hyung!" Chenle wailed in his ear, "We missed you so! Why didn't you let us visit?"

"Hi, Le. Hi, Jaem," Donghyuck wheezed out. "Hey, guys," he waved weakly at the rest standing at the foot of his bed. "Get off you two, you're heavy."

Chenle immediately scrambled off to join the rest and tried to hide a sniffle behind his hand.

Jaemin, on the other hand, rolled off of Donghyuck but still clung to him like a koala. Though he was mindful of the few wires connecting Donghyuck to the heart rate monitor.  
Seeing his friends standing there in front of him made Donghyuck realise how much he had actually missed them. And how long they hadn't seen each other.

Jisung seemed to have grown again. He now stuck out above everyone except for Johnny. But despite his height he still looked young, some last remnants of baby fat clinging to his cheeks although most had melted away over the years and by his frequent dancing.

Chenle seemed to have matured. The angles of his face had become more prominent. There's this shine to his eyes that spoke of experience, however good or bad. Maybe he had grown a little, too.

Renjun actually hadn't changed much. His hair was noticeably longer, but other than that he looked the same as ever. Even the way he showed that he was upset hadn't changed. Arms crossed, scowl on his face, eyes that were just shy of shooting lasers at Donghyuck.

Jeno was standing behind Renjun and from what Donghyuck could see, he'd become more toned. His physique spoke of many hours spent at the gym, but he still resembled a puppy in Donghyuck's eyes. A puppy with an expression as if somebody had kicked his cats.

And Mark… dark circles hung under his eyes, his skin was paler than usual, his hair was long and unkempt. Mark looked more stressed and worried than Donghyuck had ever seen, but he still thought he looked as beautiful as ever.

His lungs began to itch.

He let out a shaky exhale and circled his arms around Jaemin, hugging him tightly. Donghyuck didn't know when he'd started crying but he couldn't stop. Couldn't be bothered to try and stop it. His chest felt all too tight. His throat was closing in on itself. His breathing was erratic and shallow and his hands were shaking and his eyes were burning and all he could get out was-

"Sorry." He hiccupped around the words as he broke down more, hiding his face in Jaemin's bleached hair. "I'm sorry. I missed you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Hyuckie," Jaemin whispered against his collarbone, "we're here now. Let it all out."

He didn't know where all these tears came from. Maybe it was the fact that his friends were here. Maybe it was the fear gripping his heart. He hadn't wanted his friends to see him like this. Weak, dying. But maybe it was relief that broke the dam.

Relief that his friends still cared, still wanted to see him despite the fact that this may very well be one of the last times.

Relief that he got to see his friends again.

Donghyuck cried for what felt like hours and let go of Jaemin when he had finally calmed down enough. "Sorry you had to see that," he said in a small voice to everyone, wiping his face. "Grab- grab some chairs." He glanced at Johnny who looked at him with a fond but worried look. Donghyuck barely remembered a time when there was a different look when it came to him.

His friends and Johnny settled around him. It was quiet, everyone unsure of what to say, the air heavy with unspoken worries and confessions, until Jaemin broke the silence with a loud gasp.

“Oh my god, Hyuck, did we tell you about the new kid in class, yet?”

From there on, things devolved to a loud chatter. They mostly talked in turns, but also added to each other’s stories by talking over them, and Donghyuck basked in the chaotic familiarity.

Taeil had given them not-quite-legal permission to stay past the official visiting hours, so they talked and talked and hoped no one of the hospital staff would notice or do something about it.

When Jisung’s stomach growled, interrupting Renjun’s latest conspiracy theory, they all decided it was a good time to get some food from the canteen on the first floor. Johnny gave them some money, told them his order, and sent them off.

Mark had wanted to stay, though, so there he was, taking place on Donghyuck’s bed for a moment. Like they would when they were visiting each other.

They started talking about this and that, things the others wouldn’t necessarily have to hear, but then as Mark was telling about how his brother Taeyong was doing in college, a god awful, grating cough cut him off mid sentence.

Donghyuck wheezed out a "sorry" as more coughs wrecked his chest. He leaned over to grab a bucket just in time as the first petals fell from his lips. White chrysanthemums, daisies, gardenias, several coloured carnations, sunflowers, all stained a horrific red.

His throat burned as his lungs worked overtime to get enough air. He squeezed his eyes shut. This is what he had been afraid of.

He was vaguely aware of Johnny buzzing the alarm, but he was too busy retching up flowers to really take notice of anything.

Soon, the bucket was taken from his clammy hands and his hair was pushed back by a careful hand.

“Hyuck? Hyuckie, can you hear me? You’re going to be okay. Your Taeilie-hyung is here, just as you asked.” Then he continued, “Johnny, can you leave us? Keep the others out of the room, please.”

Donghyuck shook through the attack, and the whole room spun around him as he came down from it. He slowly became aware of the fingers carding through his hair as he gulped in rattling breath after rattling breath.

His fingers were cramped around the sheets, and the taste of blood almost made him throw up again.

“Was that everything?” Taeil asked softly.

Donghyuck nodded weakly and collapsed back against the headrest. It hurt to swallow. “‘M tired,” he muttered.

Taeil helped him unclench his fists. “Let’s get you some water and then you can sleep, okay? Do you want to say bye to the others?”

Donghyuck shook his head.

“Johnny?”

He nodded.

“Alright. Then I’ll be right back. Try to stay awake for a little longer, can you do that?”

Another nod.

Taeil smiled carefully and left the room.

Exactly the thing Donghyuck had been afraid of had happened. He was glad Mark had been the only one to witness it, but that simultaneously made it so much worse. A glaring neon sign may now very well be hanging over Mark’s head, announcing that he was the one Donghyuck was in love with.

Being in love was always painted as a beautiful thing by society. Something that bettered people. Something that made life worthwhile. Something that was reciprocated and lasted a lifetime.

Donghyuck thought it was all bullshit. Being in love was longing and pain and a whole lot of breathing problems.

“Hyuckie? I’m back. I have Johnny with me.”

He tried to sit up but needed help in the end, his body too exhausted. He sipped water through a straw that Taeil held up for him as Johnny scrubbed at the biggest blood stains on his skin.

God, he hated feeling this helpless.

“Hyung? Don’t tell them,” Donghyuck rasped out. “Mark can’t know.”

“Of course I won’t.” Johnny smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He looked like he wanted to say something else but stopped himself. “You’re really brave, Hyuckie.” He pressed a kiss to his forehead. “I’ll bring the others home now, okay? Rest well. I love you.”

“Love y’too, hyung. B’safe.” Donghyuck blinked sleepily at Johnny.

He could hear the others question his brother outside the door but Johnny deflected them easily as they walked away.

He settled down in bed with Taeil’s help when the glass was emptied. “C’n you sing me somethin’?”

“Of course.”

Taeil made sure Donghyuck was comfortable before he started singing one of Donghyuck’s favourite ballads, and he drifted off to the soft sound of Taeil’s voice.

\---

A week since what Donghyuck referred to as the Mark Incident passed, and it was the longest and most tiresome week he had had in a while.

Doctors had come by more often to check up on his health, making him do more tests. His psychologist had come by more often to talk to him about how he felt. The other nurses had given him more pitying looks than usual, and frankly, Donghyuck was fed up with it all. 

Sure, his attack was worse that most others he had since being in the hospital, but that didn’t mean he was suddenly much closer to dying. Or feeling like it. Seriously, he was _fine_, but no one would listen.

He was in the middle of ranting this all to Taeil when there was a knock on the door and a second later Mark’s face appeared from around the corner.

“Hi. Can I come in?”

Donghyuck looked like a deer caught in headlights, frozen, so Taeil took it upon himself to answer.

“Sure.”

As Mark shuffled into the room, Taeil started to get up, but Donghyuck’s sudden death grip on his wrist kept him in place.

“Hyuckie,” Taeil murmured, “c’mon, I’ll be right outside the door.” He gently pried himself free. “You need to talk it out with him.”

Donghyuck watched the nurse leave, silently begging for him to come back. But then Mark sat down on the edge of his bed and Donghyuck’s attention was pulled towards him.

He really didn’t look any better than last week. Still, Donghyuck’s heart did a little somersault in his chest.

“I’m sorry I didn’t announce I was coming,” Mark started, “but I thought you’d say ‘no’ if I asked. And I really wanted to talk to you. Uh, want to. I want to talk with you.” He wrung his hands in his lap, clearly nervous, and it did little to ease Donghyuck’s own anxiety.

It was silent for a moment before Mark spoke up again, his voice quiet and unsure and so, so broken. “It’s me, isn’t it?”

Donghyuck’s eyes snapped up and terror washed over him like a cold shower.

“I did the maths. You don’t talk much to me anymore. Haven’t for a while. And then last week you were fine with the rest there, but then it was just me, and you- it- you know. And I don’t know, I’m sorry. For putting you through this.”

Donghyuck stared at him. His chest felt constricted, and not because of the greenery growing there, and his throat choked up. He had tried so hard to keep his secret under wraps, yet the truth had finally unraveled. Bared under the harsh hospital light.

“Hyuck?” Mark was looking back at him with wide eyes, and he somewhat resembled a guinea pig, Donghyuck noted.

“It’s you,” came the quiet confession.

Mark inhaled a curse as he closed his eyes. “How long?”

Donghyuck huffed out a humourless laugh and shook his head. “You don’t get to torture yourself like that, Lee.” He cleared his throat and rubbed at his chest. Thorns seemed to poke his lungs from the inside, a heaviness pushing from inside.

“Are you okay?” Mark’s hands flitted around him, wanting to help with something but unsure how.

“Yeah, it’s fine. Don’t worry.”

“I’ve been worrying since I noticed you were sick. I don’t think I can stop now. I mean, look at you! You look awful!”

“Gee, thanks, Mark. Way to feel a guy make good about himself.” Donghyuck rolled his eyes but couldn’t help the smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

Mark grinned back, ready to say something, but oh…

Donghyuck felt flowers crawl up his throat again. He tried to tell Mark to leave, but all he got out were painful sounding wheezes.

His eyes watered and through the tears he could see Taeil rushing in, ushering Mark out of the room and calling for backup through the intercom.

He coughed and coughed, blood spilling into the bucket Taeil grabbed for him, but the flowers seemed to be stuck in his throat. They piled up, blocking his airways. Thorns stabbed at his insides. He gasped for air but he choked on spit and blood and petals.

This was it. This was when and where he’d die. Donghyuck was sure of it. Oh god. He was not ready to die.

Black spots appeared in his vision. Everything was blurry from the tears. He couldn’t breathe.

He closed his eyes.

He didn’t breathe.

\---

When Donghyuck woke up, he was greeted with the tearstained face of his brother lighting up like Christmas.

“You’re awake!”

Donghyuck groaned and looked around. This was not his room. “Where am I?” he slurred.

“You’re in the recovery ward,” Johnny informed him, unable to stop smiling like he just won the lottery. “You’re the first person in Korea they tried surgery on, and it was successful.”

He sniffled softly and Donghyuck could barely believe the next words coming from his mouth.

“You’re cured, Hyuckie.”

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](http://straytiny-n-ctzen.tumblr.com)
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/straytinynctzen)
> 
> let me know what you think!


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